6/27/2024

i need to get my last 3 artfight refs done so bad teehee oops. finally realized i was procrastinating them cuz i hated the sketch i was supposed to finalize next tho. so i just sat down and redid that and hopefully they'll be quick and painless enuff from here

briefly entertained the idea of switching this site to nekoweb the other day and then decided it would be a pain in the ass. i might host the side project im working on there tho. i've been toying w the idea of getting another domain for it but didnt want to jump thro the hoops of making another neocities account lol (since i am . not a supporter lmao). but nekoweb would give me both an excuse to have nekoweb in my url (extremely cute) and a more legit way to get another domain frfr. so it's tempting. i dont rlly think i'll Need it but also i am becoming increasingly convinced that it would be Realllyyy nice for the sake of file organization ... we'll see

6/26/2024

got really worried about oversharing in this little microblog so ofc i came over to talk more about my feelings. what else is a guy to do!!!

idk i worry that i've overshared in these posts already. i worry that what i do share is too artificial (because it doesn't feel like it when i'm writing it, but then sometimes it feels so performative to me when i read back? even though it's really Not been). i worry about sharing anything with anyone ever. it's honestly kinda funny to me though. i am almost certain almost nobody currently sees this site, let alone actually reads these posts. and i'm still sitting here like 'what if the vague and almost entirely generally relatable details i gave about my life were oversharing..?!?!'. as if i didn't literally make this page for the sake of getting myself out of the boxes i put myself in and just having a place to dump my thoughts. the whole point is that i need to stop worrying about whether things are "too trivial" or "too much". sighs.

made really good progress on my site project today?? like rlly good progress. i'm still in the honeymoon phase of having a new project though. i don't want to hype it up too much only to lose interest or anything. i thought it would be harder to keep it within a reasonable scope than it really has been though. sometimes my initial ideas are kinda doable. rare for me.

...i keep worrying about that project being silly (childish + pointless + etc), which is... also inherently contradictory to its entire existence. i literally have a rough manifesto that says the entire point of it is to be childish and pointless. i keep finding myself worrying that i'm creating it out of this deepseated need for everything i create to be Good, and having this be the thing that makes my website Good. but again my manifesto for it is literally diametrically opposite of that desire. yes i want everything i create to be good. yes this was definitely still influenced by that want. but when my idea of what's 'good' is coming from other neocities, it turns out that it's... really hard to get bogged down in anything conventional. a large part of what i find so enviable about other people's websites, and what i want to emulate in my own, is just the senses of authenticity & unapologetic fun these pages are so rife with. so like. if i'm creating something that's shitty but fun partially out of a desire for it to be 'good'... i don't think i really care. the process itself will still inherently be driven more by fun + authenticity. sometimes u have to trick yourself onto the right road to get u where ur goin

anyway i do think i'll make a page for like. actual articles and shit eventually. but for now i like having this public journal thing and being able to be disjointed as fuck about it. ...and it doesn't rlly matter if it's silly or oversharing. it's vague enough i'm not in any sort of risk, and i don't inherently really expect anyone to read these. i come at it expecting the opposite actually lol. but i like the idea that someone will care enough to read my nonsense sometime yk? maybe i can give someone on the internet, somewhere to feel a little less alone someday. maybe that person will even read these words!! in which case hi! that's crazy! but either way, no one person will ever read all the words i write (total, in every place i've ever written or typed)-- and that's fine! and things do not need to be shared to have value! but i want the things i create to have a chance of being shared either way. probably i won't do this kind of journaling forever (at the very least i definitely won't maintain this level of frequency with it) but for now it has its values + gets me off my floor and on my site. so whatever.

tl;dr i want to be as unabashedly weird as i actually am so very badly but i cannot shake the self-consciousness even in private/safe spaces . i am inching my way up to it though. i will get there. cringe will never truly die but i am trying very hard to teach myself that i do not need to let myself be subject to its whims. i will get there

6/25/2024

lost to javascript a ton more today...

presently im thinking about how i probably have pdd (persistant depressive not autism lol). its a self-DX but like there is very little else that explains how 2021 - early 2024 were for me so accurately and concisely. explains a feww things abt my childhood as well lol. it's still weird to be out of that episode tho. i'd kinda just resigned myself to feeling like that for the forseeable future + trying to remember how i existed prior to it is... very hard, especially when so much of my life is so different from what it was back then anyway. it makes it hard for me to tell if i really got out of it or not. but the anhedonia isn't as bad + i've definitely noticed the lack of brain fog. that's been very nice. but the difference in fatigue levels isn't half as much as i'd like it to be even w the hypersomnia gone. and I really struggle to remember that the anhedonia is diminished sometimes? like. it's still hard to get myself to do things i should enjoy because I still don't expect to enjoy them. and diminished doesn't mean gone either.

mostly it's frustrating to me that i have such a hard time remembering what i used to do with myself though. or remembering how i used to dredge up the energy to do some of it. ughhhh. i don't think i was that much less emotionally or physically tired before but i had ways of balancing it that lost relevancy once they became bigger issues, and now that i'm able to balance them again, it's really hard to remember any of how i did that. and some of it doesn't even apply to my life any more!!! so annoying. no point in dwelling on the 'what if's of having more energy or just not being like this, but. ohhhh i wish i knew how to manage it better. just gotta keep doing what i've been doing + clawing my way forwards one step at a time i suppose.

i've been thinking lately about making a larger blog section here also since these are more journal-y still i feel. like, they're mostly too long to be called microblogging, but they also don't really qualify as proper blog posts. i've wanted to get some stuff about what those few years were like for me written down somewhere for a while. so maybe i'll combine these concepts sometime. idk. i got artfight refs + my big site projects to work on for now tho

anyway. im thinking i'll probably restructure some stuff in the svsss shrine soon. not that it's done anyway lol but . it is starting to get there

6/24/2024

ok ignore everything i said yesterday about my project coding going great. i hate javascript (guy who has just never bothered to learn basic javascript before trying to jump into more advanced things) (in my defense they never seem like advanced things until i go to do them......)

6/23/2024

i have been so tired latelyyyy its so fucked uppp.. job has been going well except for all the ways i keep discovering im bad at it. still learning i soup pose. the store is getting a remodel and that starts tomorrow. anddd. yea idc i dont rlly wanna talk about work today lol

BINGHE WAS DELAYED UNTIL SEPTEMBERRR WHICH IS SO SAD. i have his husband in 12cm form and dude this little sqq is SOOO cute. but i wish i had binghe...... cries..... oh well. more time to rack up the funds to buy the SQQ 20cm with.

i started my artfight refs and those have been going p well. ...i mean i already have all the sketches done but the lines and colors are what i'm doing now. i only have 6 characters i'm putting up cuz I rlly never draw refs haha and i don't want art of anyone else as badly anyway. i've got 2 refs done already ! so i should be able to get the rest done by the end of the week. whew. Gotta trim and edit blurbs for them also cuz i Tried to do brief ones and then they ended up wayyy too long lol. but. I'll be ready in time !!! wahoo!! was getting worried lol

also i started a bigger project for this site recently. some of it is up in my profile haha but it doesn't rlly show u the scope of what i have in mind at all or anything. i'm not sure i won't ditch it once some other project catches my eye tbh but i'm really enamored with some of my ideas for it rn. I'd rlly like this site to have a larger more interactive portion to it. smth that made it special and fun yk? and i do think this could be it. I thought it would be way harder to code but most of it so far has been super easy for me. i have a solid foundation!!!! this is very different than the time i tried to make a short VN style game in Twine in my senior year. that went horribly haha. i did NOT have the skillset or foundation for it.

I'm still going to have to learn and make a toooon more but . i think having a long term project would be nice + it would give me practice with longer term projects that i could carry into some future endeavors I have in mind as well. so long as i don't forget it or horribly lose steam or anything, I do think it'll be very fun. I'll upload what I've got each time I have something substantial anyway though. that way there will be something no matter what. I've taken to coding it in Visual Studio Code instead of directly on neocities though. no need for everyone to see that quite yet

6/21/2024

corporate is coming to my job todayyy that's so fucked upppppppp...... can never have an easy day in detroit..... good news is my 7 hour shift went rlly well so im much less worried about my 6 hour one today. just a little nervous bcuz i have to make sure i ask how to take time off + what my hours are for next week today. and also corporate is coming. that part makes me very nervous but im trying to ignore it

in other news, i ordered a 20 cm luo binghe plush in mid-May and he started his wonderful shipping journey from china recently. he's already in my country, and if I'm understanding these shipping updates right, he's made it through customs already..... very excited about that...

6/19/2024

my wrist hurts a little today.. there's literally no reason for it to be hurting tho its so rudeeee... i had a good shift yesterday though!!! my first real good one... i started during a suuper busy week lol so the combination between things slowing down and me actually knowing what to do now meant i was way less stressed + way more able to do things. i Gotta get better at asking customers for clarification and additional details about what they want still lol but like. we're getting there!!!

in other news, i have a 7 hour shift today, which i'm nervousss about, lol. + im sleepyyyy... oh wellz. gonna work on my refs for artfight until then i think. i also preordered a nice steelbox copy of smtvv + that should arrive while i'm at work so that's exciting...! i won't be starting it for a little while but i really wanted to get the steelbox edition lol. i have the first steelbox ... it'd be a shame to not have both... yk... it's suchhh a scam of a game (who remasters and adds to a Three year old gameee i hate atlus) but unfortunately they got me again + i doubt it'll go on sale for a few years so. everyone deserves a little irresponsible purchasing once in a while + i had the funds to let this take that role in my life.

6/18/2024

exhaustedddd but ik im not going to be able to get a nap or anything.... sighs.... tired, anxious, and bored. classic combo! gotta pretty short shift in about 6 hours. my other shifts for this week are all 6+ hours though. nervous about that. frankly idm working because i like having something to do that feels meaningful And pays me money, but i still feel so new and wrong-footed at my job. sighs. hard to do well at customer service when they're constantly asking me things idk either. i've also noticed i struggle to split my attention while working - if a customer asks me for help while i'm doing something else, i keep forgetting that i can go with them and help them. or tbh it might just be that i freak myself out too much about doing so. not sure.

also tbh idk how to do the online order stuff and i'm scared to ask. they went over it in training but i'm ngl to you i sooooo didn't get it... i tried!! i swear i tried!! but it just didn't make sense to me at all. wahhhgghhh. working could be soo nice if i could just stop stressing myself tf out about it.

also yesterday i realized that i have an actually disproportionate number of edits on my site and it's kinda rlly funny to me. anyone wondering whether i put the 'this site was made entirely in the neocities site editor' button as a bit can just check my site profile and immediately see that a) nope i meant it fr. and b) i love to save and check my work every 5 minutes babey!! ...i have actual code editors on my computer even idk why im doing this to myself

6/17/2024

hiiiii hello worldwide web. just kidding i dont think like anyone's seen this site yet. which makes sense!! i haven't rlly been linking it anywhere + neocities kinda automatically sorts sites by most viewed so its like. yea. could just join some webrings. i've been thinkin ab doin that lately.
anyway lol. i'm writing this post in large part just to test the formatting I've laid out for this page but like... im too lazy to get lorum ipsum :p and too tired to generate actual nonsense for a post. so actual words it is

i started this website cuz i had nothing to do and was going bonkers insane about it, and now i have many things to do. it's a comical amount of reversal to experience in like 18 days. presently i'm waiting to call my job + ask them wtf my hours are supposed to be for this week, because I've only worked one week so far, and don't even know how to go about finding that out. was told they were posted + that i'd be added to a group chat and... i am not in a group chat. so i'm probably going to have to call. i realllyyyy don't want to call. but i reached out the only other way i knew how and got no response so . sighs

working has been rlly stressful for me so far. it's just a summer job, so i don't even know if i'm going to have time to fully get used to it before it's time for me to go. i Know it's just that i'm way too concerned with doing well and people liking me and all of that but. it's difficult to curb the voice in my head that tells me i have to be the best (or at least very good) at everything all the time, and that i need everyone to like me. it is so not that serious of a job. ...still. i rlly hope i don't have to go in today because i am very much not in the right headspace for it.

anyway. i have nooo idea how many posts i'll write here or how often or anything. i struggle with the idea of running an actual blog because, like... i can't fully conceptualize people caring enough to follow it yk. but i have a lot to say all the time! and putting it on a personal website feels better to me. like. i don't have to care if people don't follow me or wtvr. i do very much get into the mindset that what i have to say doesn't really matter if i don't have tangible evidence that people care to hear it, and one of the nice things about putting this here instead of on tumblr or something is that... i don't have to care about that at all. i'm not mucking up anybody's feed, and i don't have to give a fuck if people don't care enough to read it. it's just here so i have a place to say these things and you can read it if you want -- which is always how i feel about it, really, but it's just way harder to stick to that kinda mentality on social media, i feel. idk.

i think this formatting is good enough for now. i want to add more links + maybe limited decor later but like. that's going to require making those pages, and i'm mostly making pages as needed (aka. when i have enough of an idea for one And enough content to put on it). so it's safe to say this page is as done as it's going to get for a little while. ...not counting some aspects of the decor etc though. i will be sexing that up sooner rather than later. but im also still gonna need time to sit and think on it, so.

i suppose i shall return to being anxious about my hours and poking at other aspects of my site now. ...god i sooo don't want to have to call but if i don't hear anything within an hour or so i'm sooo going to have to . sighs cries sighs. i'll be brave...

update: i Did have to call (horrific!) but i Don't have to go in today! wahoo...!